The present me !

Well well well.
Its all getting too confusing. Pressure is mounting, things are going out of control . The job is getting tougher day by day. Loosing control of the floor, not knowing what is hapenning where, how to proceed ? What awaits us in the future. All I know is that the next month is going to be a hell of a month.

Nothing besides the daily schedule. A movie a day has become the routine whenever I find time. No enthu for liquor also. Surprising ! :) Tennis, Squash etc is almost history. Maybe need a tennis partner at the earliest.

What is complex are the emotions. Emotions which dictate the day and change too fast for my liking. Sometimes the will to undertake something big and and on other occassions an easy go-chill attitude in life. A conflict with the inner self. I have lost interest and I fear if this is the way I am going to live the rest of my life ! Have to crawl out of this, dont know how ! Have to figure it myself, dont know from where to channel the energy to do so !

Wht is that that I want , I dont know ! Maybe nobody knows ! Maybe some know ! Maybe the ones who know do better ! Maybe everyone goes on this path blind folded and discovers as he/she goes on. I thought I will also discover as I go on. However the roads seems too serpentine and not leading anywhere. What do I need ? A break ! Cant afford it ! A thought ? Many cross my mind at the same time! A friend to talk to ? No, I need to resolve things myself. Then what do I need ? The need to know what I need !

Sometimes I feel it was much better 4-5 years back. Atleast the energy was there to explore. But what has changed in the last few years ! Maybe something has, which has triggered this all ! and maybe nothing has changed, it's all just a perception. What is that I look for . For peace ? for truth ? for freedom ? for happiness ? for love ? Why ? All feeble emotions of a desperate human existance trying to justify the existance of something that does not exist ! And where does this all end ?

Everything else is more or less Ok in life!